In My World Today

I live in the space between my ears.  I think a lot of other people do too, but I wouldn’t really know.

It’s a small world after all.  Tiny really.  Bounded in a nutshell; king of infinite space; save for my bad dreams.

In my world, it is really loud.  Sometimes, the cacophony of my world overwhelms.  I find myself paralyzed by noise.

It started when I was little.  I was a sleep-walker.  I had the same terrible dream each time.  I’d wake up with my father placing a cool washcloth on the back of my neck.  The dream isn’t scary when you say it out loud, but when you feel it while you’re in it, it haunts.  A line of men barreling towards you.  All dressed the same: brown flat caps pulled below their eyebrows, black leather jackets, short and stout, wearing ice skates.  Shook me every time.

Since then, the world sometimes just gets too loud and I feel a little crazy.  I need to be alone for a moment or two.

It’s harder now being alone now, for me, because of my phone.  I find myself, when feeling kind of crazy and needing a respite, plugging in and scrolling for a long, long time.  The scrolling and tapping occupies some part of me, which is a small comfort.  However, sometimes I stumble upon an unwelcome idea or thought in the middle of a moment where I need calm.

I’ll be sitting their minding other people’s business, taking a breath from the loudness of life, and I’ll see a post that infuriates.  Someone says something about something that flusters me.  And the loud world I was trying to pacify roars back into full volume.

Right then, I should turn my phone off or drop it in the toilet.  But, I don’t.  I think a lot about the something said.  I research it in my mental archives, on Google.  I tell my friends about it.  I spread the something said.  I make the ‘something said’ into ‘something discussed.’  The volume keeps creeping up.

Eventually, I find myself angrily typing, editing, re-typing, deleting, typing again, some comment to the something said.  I want to turn off the sound by cranking the volume past maximum.

In grace, I find the strength to stop myself.  Delete the comment.  Unfollow the something-sayer.  And then feel bad about all the trouble.

I am a sensitive person.  I feel deeply and quickly.  And while I believe I live between my ears, the spirits of my world emanate from elsewhere.  My mind forever responding to the steady stream of feelings flooding it from somewhere below the neck.

One thought on “In My World Today

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s