Lately, I have been feeling hollow. Most of the time, I’m okay and my days feel normal. However, at times, I am haunted by my brother’s death.
My haunting feels emptier than it feels unsettling or scary. I feel cool and numb rather than fiery and devastated.
Sometimes I just find myself confused. My whole worldview has taken a serious hit.
I am an optimist. I generally believe life, people, and this world are good. Tragedies occur. Bad things happen to good people. Effort does not guarantee success. Evil prevails. Yet, I cannot let go of my personal belief that things are okay and good on the whole. Or that they will be someday.
My brother was a dark soul–an absolute pessimist. He believed society was a cancer, humanity a plague upon the Earth, and the greatest act people could do was to sterilize themselves (or so he would say). He saw wickedness everywhere. Hell was other people and it was here.
My brother and I often argued and debated a lot of things rooted in our differing world views. I always believed that one day I could convince my brother that the good in this world outweighed the bad. I always thought he only refused to see what I saw out of stubborn resistance.
Since he died, I have seen glimpses of the dark world Phil lived in. A lot of things in my optimism don’t add up, it seems. What is the point of all the suffering and tragedies of this world?
I look at death as not a distant spectre, motivating the fears and ambitions of so many, but as an object closer than it appears. Just up around the bend. And unavoidable.
Alexi tells me, like I would tell anyone else a couple weeks ago, that the suffering and pain of this world permit us to feel joy, happiness, and love. Can’t have the ups without the downs.
I still agree. It’s just that it’s harder to agree right now.
I feel like I am processing Phil’s death, but it’s hard. I don’t really want anyone’s sympathies. I don’t really want to have long, tearful conversations about him.
I feel nothing most of the time. There isn’t anything to say. At least, not yet.